I have to tell you. I am feeling terribly vulnerable. I thought I would feel empowered, ready for action, to make the change from being the gal that let her fear stop her from doing things, to being the gal would said, "screw it, I 'm gonna do it anyway." I had psyched myself up for that. I was ready.
wow, was i wrong
It seemed so simple. Everyone else is doing it. Why can't I? Why can't I announce to all my friends (via FB) that I have a blog? Why can't I announce that, YES, I am doing art and feel empowered that I took that step and feel proud. Well, at the time I was proud that I took that step. Now, I'm feeling like I opened a door that I wasn't quite ready to open and for others to see. The gremlins are coming on strong. This is what they sound like: Who are you to call yourself an artist? Who are you to think that people will be interested in what you have to say? Why are you doing this? It's silly.
Even though I don't really want to admit all this (especially publicly), I have to. Because if I don't, than I am not being the real authentic Serena. Not to me and not to you. And that is not why I am here. That's not the girl I want to be.
I'm reading the book, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene` Brown, which is a powerful and eye opening book. I found this quote which is helping me to push past these feelings of vulnerablilitly and to keep on keeping on.
"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy- the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of the light."
I know I'm not always going to do things right, say the right things and be able to prevent myself from falling back on old habits, but I'm learning (slowly) that showing up is the biggest step I can take and for god's sake, to give myself a break.
If you are here reading this blog, thank you for being here. I am just beginning to crack open and I'm not sure where it will take me. I can't promise anything. I can't promise that I'll post regularly or that I'll share my artwork often. That is what I'd like to do, but I need to say that in order take some of the expectations off my back and to allow myself the room to do the work that I know I need to do.
phew.....that got heavy.
Here is what I'm thankful for today. By allowing myself to be cracked open, I've given the light a place
to shine through!