Friday, January 14, 2011

cracking open

image via

I have to tell you. I am feeling terribly vulnerable. I thought I would feel empowered, ready for action, to make the change from being the gal that let her fear stop her from doing things, to being the gal would said, "screw it, I 'm gonna do it anyway." I had psyched myself up for that. I was ready.

wow, was i wrong

It seemed so simple. Everyone else is doing it. Why can't I? Why can't I announce to all my friends (via FB) that I have a blog? Why can't I announce that, YES, I am doing art and feel empowered that I took that step and feel proud. Well, at the time I was proud that I took that step. Now, I'm feeling like I opened a door that I wasn't quite ready to open and for others to see. The gremlins are coming on strong. This is what they sound like: Who are you to call yourself an artist? Who are you to think that people will be interested in what you have to say? Why are you doing this? It's silly.
Even though I don't really want to admit all this (especially publicly), I have to. Because if I don't, than I am not being the real authentic Serena. Not to me and not to you. And that is not why I am here. That's not the girl I want to be.

I'm reading the book, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene` Brown, which is a powerful and eye opening book. I found this quote which is helping me to push past these feelings of vulnerablilitly and to keep on keeping on.

"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy- the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of the light."

I know I'm not always going to do things right, say the right things and be able to prevent myself from falling back on old habits, but I'm learning (slowly) that showing up is the biggest step I can take and for god's sake, to give myself a break.
If you are here reading this blog, thank you for being here. I am just beginning to crack open and I'm not sure where it will take me. I can't promise anything. I can't promise that I'll post regularly or that I'll share my artwork often. That is what I'd like to do, but I need to say that in order take some of the expectations off my back and to allow myself the room to do the work that I know I need to do.

phew.....that got heavy.

Here is what I'm thankful for today. By allowing myself to be cracked open, I've given the light a place

to shine through!


Jeanneoli said...

Love this post. No one just changes and does is in steps...always. You just think everyone is doing. They are taking steps...there thing is just different. Wish I could just come over and create with you. You are doing it! You really are. I am so proud to call you my friend.

Gloria said...

I love what your saying and your on the right path. Right on.It takes time. be patient with your self and just let it happen. One day youll say ok I am showing my art ..Just like that it will happen..You are brave to start a blog and we are all on your side...

patrice longmire said...

Dear sweet friend,
So much truth, so much honesty, so much loveliness in your words. You are doing it.... moving forward. You are a wonderful writer and a talented artist. I am so thankful I am on the path next to you....

Mikal said...

Loving your post Serena! Always remember that you are loved and supported by so many Brave Girls (and I am SURE so many others!) We are all behind you and your dreams, and want happiness for you each and every day!

BonnieRose said...

Serena... I come to your blog and read every post.. I see the steps you are taking.. they are bold steps.. they are just right for you. I am in DREAM LAB too.. and yes, it's hard to be transparent to put it all our there.. for sure.. I've had a pretty ugly past in places.. and well.. some is really not that easy to talk about .. but I do it.. why?
To be more human, more real and so I can help others out there..
it's really all I've ever wanted to do.. just share and inspire...
You are growing.
And you know what, we all are..
we make mistakes.. we get up and we smile and try again.
We accept the love we are given.. and cling to our God for the rest.

I believe in you.
You are a wonderful person and just like I shared with Lisa Towery the other nite.. I wish I cud hv spent more time with u at BRAVE GIRLS.
U are a kindred spirit.
and I love you.
xo bonnierose

remember this.
baby steps baby steps... baby steps..

Jill said...

Just know that you're not alone. Your words in this post so closely identify with my own thoughts these days. Thanks.

Kolleen said...

you know how i feel my sweet sweet soul sister.

i love you
and your words
and your

i am so grateful to call you my sister, my friend.

trust your path babe

Fernishca said...

I have been cracking open like a lily for over 5 years. Now that I'm a total crackpot, I can turn a face the sun and shine, shine, shine. Totally with you.

:Jayne said...

Slowly cracking open, the egg eventually turned in to a beautiful bird with wings to fly.
It didn't happen overnight, it's a process, you, my dear, are hatching. I can't wait to see where you fly!
Love you Brave Girl!

kelly barton art + design said...

oh girlie...i am sitting here with a smile on my face. your honesty is so refreshing and the one thing i have always felt about you is how authentic you are. but we know ourselves best - don't we and your words are nothing more than we have each felt ourselves. that is the beauty of it. we have been there, we get it and we will go back there again. just life.

you are such a talent. i loveyour artwork, i love how you are so kind and loving to all of us. and i so wish that we were sitting in that beach house sipping a drink, warming ourselves by the fire and just hanging.

i love you serenagirl. your light shines brite.

Jennifer said...

Serena this post is beautiful. I love your honesty. You are so brave for sharing all of this right here with us. You let it all unfold when you are ready. Your support system is out there holding you tenderly and cheering you on. Can you hear us? But know this ~ what you have to say and what you have to share is important...because it is you. And you my dear are a treasure in this world. Do not every let your mind tell you otherwise. And if you need a gentle reminder, just reach out. I will be there for you.

K8 said...

wow, it's crazy how similar my feelings are to yours! I could have written that post! :) I've been reluctant to share my blog with other friends/family & certainly some of my "friends" on facebook. But you know what? I'm ok with that. I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping things close to you until you're ready to share with the "rest of the world." I think it takes time to build it, to find your voice, and to be ready to share it with everyone. I too, thought I would be posting more artwork on my blog (actually, I was planning on posting about that!)...but I'm ok with just letting it happen, when it happens. I'm totally here, supporting you, at whatever pace you want to go at.

Kathy Tagudin said...

Congratulations on your art and your blog. New dreams need tending--yes they do--and it's natural to want to protect this fresh, new vulnerable part of you.

I love your blog and your blog name and everything you are doing. Keep it up.

Gail said...

Write another post. The hell with what anyone else thinks. I am almost 63 and wasted way too much time worrying about if I was good enough. Recently learned to play guitar, writing my own songs, and made a CD. Owning my power. Have faith in yourself sweetie -- it doesn't matter who "reads" you -- honor yourself and believe.
Hugs - Gail

Gloria said...

Dear Serena,
I am thinking about you today
and how wonderful it was to meet you in Oregon,
I hope you have a wonderful day
full of love and hugs
Happy Valentines Day..

Jeanneoli said...

I want more!!! :-) I miss you and want to catch up. Give me a call when you are free.

Sharry said...

We are in the same "place" and at age 61 I feel like I'm loosing ground every moment!

Julie Jones said...

WOW! I was in blog country and cliked onto your amazing blog. I usually just breeze through them, but I found myself completey moved and had to read it over a couple of times. Would love for you to show your creativity at our I am always looking for fabulous people to participate, you sure seem like one of them...Hope to hear from you, Julie The Middle Pea