open

you see..... being open really isn't that easy for me.  really open. But I know that is where the juicy, raw beauty of life is held, so I stand here with my arms open, ready to been seen.  I open my hands to receive that gift. I open my heart to let it in.

I vow to myself to not run and turn away from the answers I find there. I know that openness can be messy and that is exactly why I need to go there. I trust that if I move forward with an open heart and an open mind, I will find the place I was destined to be.

Be. Free. Be. Me.

I'm finding lately that, for me, the ultimate freedom is feeling free to just be me. When I'm able to find that internal peace, my step is lighter, the sun is brighter and my soul is so much happier.

This is my life quest.

To just be me.



be. free.   image by me

 

"Everyday I wake up, humming a song,

but I don't need to run around, I just stay home.

And sing a little love song,

my love, to myself

If there's something that you want to hear

you can sing it yourself."

 

song lyrics from Everything is Free by Gillian Welch

growing my wings

image by me

underneath the fear

i'm a mess

above the fear

i hold on hope

underneath the fear

i'm dependent

above the fear

i have freedom

underneath the fear

i sit silent

breathing in life

above the fear

i rise

my wings grow

new beginnings

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style" ~Maya Angelou


I love the chance to begin again. Start fresh and look at things with a new perspective. I wonder why I don't do it more often. Once a year just doesn't seem like enough. But, I will cease the opportunity now, with the new year beginning to clear the slate, forgive all my past inadequacies and start fresh with open eyes and an open heart and begin my journey to live a life where I "thrive"!

Thrive: 1.to grow strongly and vigorously. 2. to do well; prosper

Synonyms: Advance,arrive,bloom,blossom,boom,burgeon,develop,flourish,grow,progress,prosper
radiate,rise,shine,succeed.

With all the love in my heart, I hope that you truly thrive this year!

mama love

i love my mama
she is quietly confident
she is always there
she is funny in a funny way
she has taken risks
she has followed her heart
she has followed her dreams
she has done things she did not think she could do
and she has done it really well
gracefully
and
humbly.

and she has been the best mama to me!
i couldn't ask for a better role model
i am so grateful for everything that she is as well as
everything that she isn't
she is my mom
and i am her daughter
we are friends
for
life!

Happy Mother's Day mom.

YOU ROCK!

what dorky moms do when their kids are at school

sometimes you just have to create your own sunshine!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQITCD_9_pM

Hope you are taking the time to celebrate and life YOUR life!

love
and
hugs

i love you gets an upgrade

My family has a new expression of love that has been filling my heart with so much joy and sweetness lately. I am going to hold onto it for the rest of my days. It actually came from my darling hubby during a middle of the night bad dream episode with Sisi. She was afraid and couldn't settle down. As he tells me, that when he whispered " I love you in your heart" in her ear and gave her one last hug, that she sighed a big sigh, hugged her favorite sleeping huggy and fell back asleep. melt....

There are many times that navigating our way through parenthood gets the best of us. But when your 6yr old boy taps you on the shoulder and you turn around to see this, how can you not just melt. And then to hear the words "mom, I love you in your heart"!!!!

I'm a puddle over here. a mushy, slobbery, hopeless in love puddle.



So, in our house it's no longer I love you, it's forever and ever going to be "I love you in your heart."

cracking open

image via

I have to tell you. I am feeling terribly vulnerable. I thought I would feel empowered, ready for action, to make the change from being the gal that let her fear stop her from doing things, to being the gal would said, "screw it, I 'm gonna do it anyway." I had psyched myself up for that. I was ready.

wow, was i wrong

It seemed so simple. Everyone else is doing it. Why can't I? Why can't I announce to all my friends (via FB) that I have a blog? Why can't I announce that, YES, I am doing art and feel empowered that I took that step and feel proud. Well, at the time I was proud that I took that step. Now, I'm feeling like I opened a door that I wasn't quite ready to open and for others to see. The gremlins are coming on strong. This is what they sound like: Who are you to call yourself an artist? Who are you to think that people will be interested in what you have to say? Why are you doing this? It's silly.
Even though I don't really want to admit all this (especially publicly), I have to. Because if I don't, than I am not being the real authentic Serena. Not to me and not to you. And that is not why I am here. That's not the girl I want to be.

I'm reading the book, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene` Brown, which is a powerful and eye opening book. I found this quote which is helping me to push past these feelings of vulnerablilitly and to keep on keeping on.

"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy- the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of the light."

I know I'm not always going to do things right, say the right things and be able to prevent myself from falling back on old habits, but I'm learning (slowly) that showing up is the biggest step I can take and for god's sake, to give myself a break.
If you are here reading this blog, thank you for being here. I am just beginning to crack open and I'm not sure where it will take me. I can't promise anything. I can't promise that I'll post regularly or that I'll share my artwork often. That is what I'd like to do, but I need to say that in order take some of the expectations off my back and to allow myself the room to do the work that I know I need to do.

phew.....that got heavy.

Here is what I'm thankful for today. By allowing myself to be cracked open, I've given the light a place



to shine through!

a try at triptych and dream lab

I've always loved the idea of several art pieces that hang together on the wall that could be viewed independently but also complement each other when hung together. I've been working on these three panels which have lots of texture, which I love, and a pretty muted color pallet.
I haven't reached that done feeling yet, but not sure what else they need. So, I thought I'd put them up here to see if any of you wise and talented peeps have any suggestions. No need to fluff my feathers if they aren't your style. Just looking for some good, honest opinions.
I know the pictures aren't the best, but if I waited until there was some good natural light here in the NW, I wouldn't have any pictures at all.




In other news, at the last minute, I signed up for the mondo beyondo dream lab offered by 3 ladies that I admire so much. I need a kick in the pants and I am looking forward to digging deep, dreaming big and getting this party started!

Dream big my friends!

Taking action

I can't tell you how often I come to this computer, sit down, open up my blog, place my fingers on the keyboard, and then sit there for a long time without writing anything. I may write a few sentences, post a picture, then sit back and stare at a mostly blank page, not knowing what else to say. It's not that I don't have anything to say, I just haven't quite found my blog voice. you see, I really want to have a place where I can write about things that matter to me, that inspire me, that scare me. However, those are the things that when I try to explain in words, never quite seems right. I often ask myself, why have a blog then? What is it that draws you to this? I hate to say that I don't think I'm a very good writer, because I try not to judge myself toooo much. but in reality, that is the truth. I struggle finding the right words with almost everything. What draws me to blog, is seeing first hand the awesome community of people you can meet and connect with. To have support from like minded souls as I travel down the bumpy road. To have a place to celebrate my successes and my creativity with others and also a place to come when I need guidance or reassurance. And ultimately (this is hard for me to say out loud) to have a (safe) place that I can share my artwork.

So hears the deal:



I'm tired of not doing things because I don't think that I do them well or that anyone else will be interested in it. I really have done that for far too long. If I can't overcome that obstacle, than all the dreams that live inside my head will never happen and I just can't tolerate that any longer. Life really is too short, and with every year that passes, they seem to go faster and faster. I can't make time slow down, but I can change myself and the way I live out my days.

With that said: I have chosen the word ACTION for my word of the year. When I was telling my hubby about the concept of choosing a focus word for the year, rather than making typical resolutions, I asked him what he thought his word would be. After a brief silence, at the same time, we both said out loud kick ass! It's kind of a joke between us, but I found it uncanny that we were thinking the same thing at the same time. I took it as an omen. But rather than writing kick ass all the time and posting it on my fridge and other places to be seen, I wanted to find another word that basically meant the same thing, but was a little more kid friendly! ACTION seemed appropriate.


I have this words of wisdom book that I cut up to use phrases or words for in my art projects, so I opened it up to see if the word action was there:
Here's what I found and it just sums it up perfectly:

ACT

When it's time, get moving
After you've reflected and meditated, waited, prayed, and reaffirmed, act.
Act on your instincts. Act without delay. Send the letter, make the call. Pack the box. Issue the invitation. Get on the plane. Act already! Act with your own best interests at heart. Act in accordance with your most closely held values.
Act mindfully. Act on behalf of the very young or the very old or the very needy. Now and then, act half your age. Act out in your living room, act up in public. Strut around and act as though you own the joint. Act like the woman you've always wanted to be-and don't be surprised when suddenly you are!

So, here I am. This is me taking action. This is me trying to get past my insecurities and get down to kicking ass! Hope you'll join me for the ride!



Happy 2011 my friends! I have a feeling this is going to be a great year! Do you feel it too?

an attitude of gratitude

"wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving." ~Kahlil Gibran



i have much to be thankful for in my life and for that i am grateful! Above all else, it is my family that keeps me afloat and fills my well full of love and support. when i stumble i always have a soft place to land and someone waiting there to hold my hand. when i fly i always have someone there cheering me on and encouraging me to go farther and farther.

today i take pause to thank my lucky stars for my family.

In the Sweetness

"In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."
Kahlil Gibran

who would have guessed that early november would bring such beautiful, sunny days to the northwest. usually by now, we are holed up in our cozy houses, breaking out the rain gear and hunkering down for the drizzly season. but this year we have been graced with some of the most beautiful days i have seen in a long time. the air is crisp, the trees are golden, red, orange and every color in between. my heart is bursting and i am every so thankful for these sweet days. especially the ones where i take sierra to one of my favorite places and we have hot cocoa, drool over all the beautiful plants, and play hide and seek amongst the trees.

life is sweet!

no matter how you look at it

when the dawn is still dark, hold fast to those dreams, for the light is on the horizon and it will shine upon all those who lift their faces to the light.

Shine on my friends!

and then she was 4

Dear Sierra,
It brings tears to my eyes thinking of how much you have blossomed in this last year. With every day that passes you grow stronger, more sure of yourself and absolutely, positively more adorable. your laugh is infectious and you spread joy wherever you are.



right now you:
*love stuffed animals (especially swirly the pink dolphin and pookie the unicorn)
*are passionate about gymnastics (you're going to rock at this dear one)
*have started circle preschool and are making a few great friends
*love to draw, paint and craft. Can't wait to do more of this together
*start every sentence with: "actually....." or "you know what"
*are very strong willed and are starting to let people know just exactly what you think!
*you are best buds with Jackson and watching the two of you together melts my heart. except when you're fighting (sigh), but I'm willing to overlook that because i know it's all part of the process of growing up.
*are becoming a beautiful little girl whose love of life is inspiring and contagious!



spread your wings sisi ryder! the world is waiting for you and i know you are going to do great things. i know you're only 4, but it's never to early to start.

Shine on girlfriend

brave girls club

have you ever had an amazing experience that you just can't wait to share with your friends and family? one that transforms your spirit and outlook on life? one that will forever be in your heart and puts a huge ole' smile on your face everytime you think about it? and then you get home and try to put into words and everything you say just doesn't seem to paint the right picture or do it justice. well i am fortunate to have just had one of those experiences at Brave Girls Club in mccall, idaho. i have been thinking of the right words to express my feelings and gratitude for everything that happened in that retreat and i just can't do it yet. maybe I never will, but for now, i wanted to share a few images that shed a light into one of the most incredible weeks I've experienced yet.

>



so for now, until i find the words to tell the story i want to tell, i'm going to bask in the goodness and unconditional love that surrounded us all as we weeded through our lives. i'm going to hold a candle to that dark place where the demons live and know that i'm loved, really deeply loved.
just
as
i am!

and i'm going to go out and DO IT ANYWAY!

Lesson learned

huh....

there is actually a method for mowing the lawn. who knew? apparantly, not me! i was pretty proud of myself for taking on the machine. me vs. a HUGE amount of wet grass. i actually had a good time doing it. until i was all done and realized that now, the lawn is mowed YES however there are huge piles of wet grass all over the yard. UGGH. not only does it look bad, but if you leave it there it rots and ruins the grass growing underneath. '

crap.

so this afternoon, i brought out my rake and got busy. as you can see, this is going to be a lot of work.


no, that nice, large and fancy house is not mine. it is my father in laws. and yes, we love living next door to grandpa.

this is our house:

nice, tiny, yet still lovely in it's own way.

oops, i digress. back to the task at hand. RAKING. lots and lots of raking. luckily i had some helpers.




one hour later:


i'm not even close to being done, but my arms and abs are TOAST.

time for a glass of wine!

have a great weekend everyone. we'll be celebrating both Sierra's 4th bday and Sam's 38th on sunday. i'll be back with photos of that but probably not for a week or so.

why you ask?

cuz, i'll be at Brave Girls Camp next week with these two lovely gals, along with many women i've yet to meet.

i am over the moon excited!

seriously

i can't even sit still.

it's a problem.

"These are the days of miracle and wonder" ~ Paul Simon



one of the things i love best about being a mama are the moments that i am drawn back into the world of being silly again. we must of spent 20 minutes with me spraying the hose at the kids while they remained safe from getting wet behind the door. they truly thought this was one of the funnest things to do in the planet. it's moments like this that turn me into a giant puddle of sappy love.

there is nothing better in the world than a giggle fit!

Blessings

"When I asked for all things, so that I might enjoy life,
I was given life, so that I might enjoy all things."
~unknown author

I love those quiet, blissful moments when i forget all my worries and life comes into focus so clearly that i can appreciate and acknowledge just exactly all the blessings that i've been given in my life. lately, my mind has been noisy, restless, constantly searching for answers. it wears on a gal.

but for now, right now, i am quiet; at peace with what my life is and the amazing abundance that i have been given.

i am here.
i am now.
i am enough.

you spin me right round baby, right round

i'm in self discovery mode over here. my head is spinning. i'm afraid if i don't settle myself down, i just might spin myself into a tizzy. ahhhhh, hold on girlfriend.

hands up if you've ever gone through a phase where it seems like every corner you turn, there's a lesson to be learned, a new book you just have to read, new people to meet, dreams to create, walls to break down, restless nights, fears to face and, and, and.......
yup, that's me right now.

As soon as i can stop my mad mind from spinning, i'll be back. hopefully with some clarity, some new directions and a newly found ability to "just please myself."

hee hee....why do i feel like a teenage girl when i say that?

Just who does she think she is

A beautiful soul whom i met last october at the be present retreat blogged about how she was inspired to do this exercise. i was touched by her honesty, inspired by her answers and was curious how i would respond to these prompts. i'm sure if i did this on another day, my answers may differ. but today, this is who i think i am:

i am. learning how to be me

i think. i need to lead with my heart more and not think so much

i know. that i'm a lucky gal

i want. a big red barn

i have. an amazing family

i dislike. judgemental people and luke warm coffee

i miss. my family who live in colorado

i fear. i'll never live up to my potential

i feel. inspired by community

i hear. tweety birds and kids laughing

i smell. spraypaint

i crave. joy

i usually. cry at almost any movie i watch

i search. for bargains

i wonder. where it's all going

i regret. nope.... not really

i love. flea markets and all things thrifty

i care. yes. I care, even if sometimes i don't show it

i am always. up for an adventure

i worry. that i'm not a good enough role model for my kids

i remember. the day i said i do

i have. enough

i dance. cuz it makes me feel good

i sing. cuz i love to

i don't always. believe i can

i argue. not as often as i should

i write. not as much as i'd like

i lose. with grace

i wish. there wasn't so much conflict in the world

i listen. to what you say

i don't understand why. some people have so much and some have so little

i can usually be found. at the computer these days (sigh)

i am scared. of cancer

i need. a lot of time to myself

i forget. almost everything (hee hee)

i am happy. when i am living boldly


if you feel ispired too, i would love to hear just who you think you are. just let me know where i can find you.